What should really come after the words “congratulations you are having twins…”

What should really come after the words “congratulations you are having twins…”

18 years ago I got to experience such a moment – but not quite like that. In my instance it was during my first ultrasound for my first pregnancy, part way through the procedure the ultrasound tech stopped what she was doing and said she would be right back. And my nurse radar went off—you don’t do that unless something is outside of the norm. On her return she was accompanied by the radiologist and I heard the words – “There are 2 babies there…” and life changed. Not right away because there really is not much to do until the babies arrived – although we did live through some shell shock in the first few days after receiving the news. I knew the “risk” for multiples was there as I have a familial line of fraternal twins and my maternal grandmother is one. Though I knew it could happen, I didn’t really think it would – until it did!

Even after the babies arrived I still wondered a bit about the “fuss” around having multiples – ok my kids were in the NICU for 3 weeks and while we spent large chunks of our day there it wasn’t the same as having them home. Even when I roomed in to prepare for their arrival home the nurses would often do things for the babies as well. The “fuss” around having twins became much more apparent after being home for a day. Now those same babies are getting ready to head off on their own, which has led to a lot of reflection on my part. So I decided to create a list of the things “they” really should tell you after the words “congratulations you are having twins are uttered”. And here it is:

 You will be absolutely amazed at these little ones and how, no matter what, they gravitate towards one another.

 You will also be amazed at the things people will say to you about having twins. There are the lovely happy twin stories, the very sad and heartbreaking twin stories and then the really creepy I wished you had not stopped me twin stories. Those are the moments that you notice your spouse has conveniently left you with the creepy story person and wandered away with the twins.

 My twins are fraternal (boy/girl) – people will constantly ask if they are identical. At the moment a health care provider asks this question your spouse will lean in and say, “ well not exactly – one of them has a penis”. And you will again be stunned that someone actually asked that question.

 People will feel a need to comment on your reproductive status and presume that because you have multiples they must have been conceived using fertility treatments – no drugs just genetics!

 You will have all kinds of grand ideas (based on what you read in your many, many books on parenting multiples), including their need to be together all the time. Then on one sleep deprived night too many you will find yourself moving one crib into the spare room at 3 am to avoid having 2 little sets of eyes staring at you when you go into the room.

 You will be amazed at how you function on so little sleep and think that you must have been really self absorbed and lazy before they came.

 You will be stunned at the many lengths you will go to simply get some sleep.

 You will love watching them play together – and throw all of those nature vs nurture arguments out the window as your son drives his truck over barbie.

 They will talk at the same time, walk at the same time and , oh crap discover the stairs at the same time

 They will be each others best buddies – which becomes even more apparent to their younger sibling who will tell you he wishes he was a twin too…to which you respond “Oh but mommy is so glad that you are not..”

 They will hit the terrible twos and all of those other milestones together and you will think wow I can’t wait until we are past this stage.

 They will start school together and for the first time begin making friends that are not each other.

 During their school years one may feel the need to provide regular updates about what the other has been doing in school – and you have to stop yourself from responding to it, even though you really want to hear it.

 They will navigate public school and you will wonder and worry about their relationship with one another – its not easy always having your sibling with you, especially if one has different needs than the other. But you will battle those who want to put them in separate classrooms out of some personal notion that they need to develop their own identity – again boy-girl, think we’ve got that one covered.

 They will start high school together – oh boy. Now the dynamics of their relationship change – they may share the same friends as mine did. Which can be an issue. Or one may not approve of the other’s friends. Their relationship with one another may be tested as they try to figure out who they are individually when they have this other entity.

 They will learn to drive at the same time, sigh, suddenly you will never be able to leave the house without someone popping up and saying “Hey mom where are you going? Can I drive?”

 They will both get their licence – and then always want your car.

 They will demonstrate their own version of twin telepathy, maybe not for awhile but it will be there. My grandmother always talks about how she knew when things were not going well for her brother, who lived in another province, before he contacted her. I did not see this happen with my own twins until they were in their adolescence and it increases as they age. The first time it was really apparent was when my son was in a minor car accident and his sister experienced neck pain – he had suffered mild whiplash. That one freaked us all out!

 They will enter Grade 12, how the heck did that happen – and start planning for their futures. Prom and parties and more time with friends then family will become their life – and yours. You will witness fractious points in their relationship, and then increasing moments of coming together and being together.

 They will fight and argue, yet continually check in on their twin and express concerns about them.

 They will prepare to go off to post secondary school, in different cities away from each other – and it will break your heart. At first you will think that you are more bothered about them being away from one another then they are. But as the time to leave draws closer you will see how much it bothers them too as they navigate towards one another more often. You will take comfort in knowing that no matter the physical distance between them they have a connection like no other and will always have the presence of their twin. You will burst with pride at being the parent of these lovely young adults who are embarking on the exciting next steps of their lives – even if you secretly long for the days when they were babies – how ironic is that?!